I look back on the day. It was a nervous day that began with confusion and a dull mind. A horrible feeling of helplessness, I go through the necessary motions to sharpen, to combat the slippery thoughts of doubt and anxiety. My mind was so dull, I tired to cut these thoughts but they shoot to the left and the right. The blunt blade of my mind was unable to penetrate the atoms of the mornings anxiety. Caffeine did not work, nor does a cigarette or a calorically dense breakfast. I forced myself into the routine that I love as a last ditch effort but there is not success. The mind remains dull and disassociated to the desires of moving forward and to improving. I made a promise to myself a while back. Write 500 words a day. On this day, this doldrum, I almost broke that promise.
Now I sit in the outside darkness smoking a cigarette, listing. The frogs call to each other. A single note over and over again. That is all they have. We are so fortunate in our ability to communicate.
Moping around was the main achievement of the day. I also finished a small book of 200 pages and wrote a single e-mail but they are barely achievements in this thing called life. The only reason I am writing now is sound. I took what I was feeling and internalized it all day. I let the dull mind brew and fester into a doldrum soup. I made no sound. At 8 o’clock pm I skyped my parents on the other side (literally, they are on the opposite side of the planet) and they knew something was up. Reluctant and first they gradually eased me into making acute sounds. And not the sounds that frogs make at night. In the past I have felt this dull doldrum often. I would not make a sound. Screening calls and letting e-mails go unanswered. The one large improvement I have made over the doldrums of the past is picking up and making sound. It was not easy at first, I was accustomed to silence and never was comfortable with letting anyone in, even my parents. It took a mind shattering experience to see the error in those ways.
Humans are social creates. All that we have accomplished is because we can talk to each other. It started with grunts and clicks but now we have so much more. We take this blessing for granted every day. To not speak when something is on your mind is a modern sin, but remember, try not to be an asshole. Communicate.
Today was a day I did not win. I was defeated but not all was lost. I kept true to the promise I made and I wrote 500 words. I owe that small victory to the people that listened to my sound and made me listen to theirs. On some days the task of sharpening your mind cannot be done alone.